God has finally decided to teach me a lesson, and I can just picture a smirk on his face because of the irony of the situation with which I am faced with. See, I am a very selfish person, and on top of that I’m stubborn, competitive, and love to get my own way in a relationship, and in recent months I’ve found myself in a rather strange dilemma. I now find myself in a relationship with a girl who’s just like myself.

She’s selfish…………….but I love her for it.

Confused? My close female friend was equally confused, especially when she hears of the arguments we’ve had in the first few months of our relationship. The first few months of a relationship for most people is the so called “honeymoon period” when people indulge themselves in the blissful infatuation which comes with new love. But oh no, we’re spent the last few months arguing, hammering out what we want in a relationship and being in each other’s faces. Sure, we’re in love, but we’ve been arguing and fighting in a way most troubled couples would cringe and shy away from.

How can this possibly be healthy?

Well first of all, saying my girlfriend’s selfish doesn’t mean she’s a bitch. She’s actually a very sweet and caring person. A lot of people assume if you’re selfish then that makes you an asshole or a bitch and that’s actually incorrect. It’s possible for a person to be alpha, bitchy, and abrasive on the outside but to be a total push over in a relationship. It’s also possible for a person to be sweet, and caring on the outside but get their own way all the time.

How you act on the outside or communicate doesn’t actually have to be a reflection of what type of person you are inside, it can just be a front . For example, a person who lashes out aggressively can actually be insecure inside, whilst a person who communicates in a caring but firm manner can be tough inside.

My girlfriend is the latter type. She won’t put up with any of my crap or selfishness, so quite early on in the relationship we’ve found ourselves in a turf war to hammer out what we want from each other.

A lot of people, especially women will look at this and think. Wow, what a terrible way to start a relationship! But hey, I’m a realist and most people have an idealized romantic notion of relationships which actually sets themselves up for a huge let down later on. If relationships were all about love, caring for one another, and devoid of conflict then why are there so many break ups and divorces?

Hopeless romantics forget one very important key component about human relationships. We’re together because we want something from one another.  Maybe it’s sex, maybe it’s security, some want financial security, most people want to be treated well, and everyone wants to get their own way. But it’s NEVER just about just love. It would be nice if love was unconditional but if you expect this then your relationships will fail, because human beings have desires, and often there’s a conflict in what we want and what our partner wants. Selfishness simply means, caring about your own needs and making sure our partners don’t take us for granted.

So why do I love my girlfriend for being selfish? If I’m selfish myself then wouldn’t it make sense if I dated a pushover who catered to my every need and desire?

I’ve been there and done that, and a relationship where one person’s taking and the other person’s always giving is doomed to fail. Why? Well because even if the person who’s doing all the giving doesn’t throw in the towel one day, the person doing the taking can easily get bored as well. Here’s why:

Humans are lazy and well, selfish. If you’re only nice to someone and giving all the time, then the other person will start to lean and push against you, and then you’ll be forced into a situation where they push even more and you’re expected to give even more. Most people when they sense the other person is losing interest tend to give even more, which is a mistake, you have to learn to say no, just like you would to a child or the child will get spoiled. After a while this will turn any healthy relationship into a toxic one. 

A large part of human attraction comes from respecting the other person. Now you can’t just demand respect, you have to earn it, and a large part of that comes from not backing down all the time when the other person is pushing against you. If the other person loses respect, the attraction is gone and the relationship fails.

A large part of human attraction comes from being on one’s toes, comes from knowing you don’t have total control over the other person. If you let someone know, and this can’t be a bluff, that you’ll walk away forever if they take you for granted, then they will feel more attracted. This takes guts though, most people are scared to walk away from someone they love, so they will cling on when the other person is being selfish, and as a result they put themselves into a position where they will inevitably lose the other person.

So ladies, learn to be selfish. But remember being selfish doesn’t mean being bossy, abrasive, and bitchy. There’s a misconception that men are attracted to bitches. They’re not, they still prefer a sweet and caring girl on the outside. It’s just that men feel irresistibly attracted to women who are willing to look out for their own interests.

A selfish girl. 

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